Heartbreak and healing

Heartbreak and Healing

 

Heartbreak is defined as overwhelming distress. It is a part of life. Some of us experience many heartbreaks or heartbreaking moments through the course of our lives. The break lines are proof that we are living with love and an open heart. Even though these are facts, it doesn’t lessen the pain we feel when our heart is broken. Most often, it’s time that will heal the pain. There are some things that we can do during this time that can let a little light shine in.  Different things work for different people. Talking with friends, seeing a mental health professional, exercise, yoga, meditation and nutrition are all good options. I want to share a little of my story, the things I did and things you can try that might help. I am by no means a professional; however, I have experienced heartbreak and I continue to heal my heart.

 

For me, my heartbreak was loss. There was actual loss, and a loss of hope.

 

After being married for a few months, Jimmy and I were anxious to plan our future and that included starting a family.  We had everything we wanted at the time - our Yoga Love studio where we were working together to help people become the very best versions of themselves.  We had friends and family and our yoga and mindful performance communities. We had our health and an exciting future of dreams ahead of us. 

 

We started trying right away to have a baby, and I got pregnant immediately. We were so excited. At 8 weeks, we had a doctor appointment and our first sonogram. The baby was showing to be a little smaller and less developed than expected so we were scheduled to come back in 2 weeks for a check-up. My yoga practice has always made me feel at one with my body and my body was telling me that something was not right.  When we went to the next appointment, there was no heartbeat.  The doctor and nurse said “sorry for the bad news, it’s more common than you think, just bad luck, things happen for a reason”. We were heartbroken and we listened to their words, found comfort in them and in each other and moved forward with optimistic hearts. Of course we thought why is this happening to us?  Who wouldn’t think that?  We believe in eating right, sleeping well, hydrating, stress management and self love in combination with yoga and fitness classes.  We have done everything right, why us?

 

Even though our hearts were a little broken, we opened them up and tried again.  It happened 2 more times. The next two were earlier so the grief was a little different.  So, here we are 3 failed pregnancies later, and I feel like I don’t know what to do.  We have had a full year of heartbreak from the actual losses and the loss of hope.  Seeing the sadness in my partner caused a shift in me that was hard to move on from. I was sad, and I was tired and so was Jimmy.

 

I didn’t want to workout or do yoga or meditate which is something I had used as my stress relief for years. It is the foundation that I have built Yoga Love on.  I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. Being the owner of a yoga and fitness studio, I have to be around and in front of people daily with a smile on my face. After the second loss, I had to take a little time off.  Even if your heart is broken, life is still going on.  I still had a yoga and fitness studio to run. 

For months at Yoga Love, I was just going through the motions. I set my feelings aside and showed up everyday for the people I needed to show up for. These were the people who needed me to be there to help them with their mind, body and soul practices, and I did not want to let them down.  Sometimes, we have to do what is needed. Each day going to Yoga Love made me feel ashamed and embarrassed because my job is literally to help people overcome whatever is standing in their way to make health and fitness a priority.  I have gained a little weight from the lack of movement, lack of exercise and the overall sadness.  What are my clients thinking of me?  My days are filled with trying to inspire people to be the best version of themselves at Yoga Love. Here I am, feeling like a shadow and a below average version of myself. My heart hurts, my soul is tired. How can I overcome this sadness, fill my soul and heal my heart so I can be the best version of me and do what I love?

 

I tried to spend my time outside of work healing.  How did I begin to heal?  First, I rested when I was tired. Mentally that was really difficult for me because I am used to being so active, but physically it was what I needed. I stopped putting pressure on myself  to have to go to the studio, and I found new ways to move my body. I did lots of yoga, and not just the physical practice. I got quiet. I self reflected. I meditated. I hugged my dog. I saw a therapist. I went to acupuncture. I talked about it, and then I talked about it some more. I asked for help. I let my team at Yoga Love know I was struggling, and I needed their help. I allowed myself space to heal. I spent time outside. I found a group of people who love working out as much as or maybe more than me.  A fit fam.

 

Without all of these things, I’m not sure where I would be today. With them, I started loving work again. I could go into Yoga Love with a full heart. I started showing up as my authentic self, no longer the shell, no longer going through the motions. I was working out, getting on my mat and sitting. I was laughing, I was dancing, I was back and finally felt like my whole self again.

 

As far as our journey, we have sought out help from specialists. I underwent major surgery and we have our hope that what is meant to be will be and we can’t control the outcome. Thank you yoga.

 

For the next month, every Thursday on the Yoga Love Facebook and Instagram, we will be sharing ways that you can start to cope and start to heal your broken heart. We understand that everyone is different and some things may work and some things may not. If you get really quiet in these times, you’ll get the guidance on how you need to heal. We wish you so much love and healing on your journey. Thank you for reading our story.

Ali Dietrich